13 November 2015

ARS MORIENDI

Now that I'm able to catch my breath, it's time for a closure that is long overdue.

Shortly after my last entry here my life started to fall apart. At different levels, in a quick, purging imaginary fire that had smouldered for a long time. And like all moths, I was drawn too close to the flame. I spent most of my summer and fall tending the burns and digging graves; one for my old relationship, another for my home, a third for my sense of self. Smaller graves for the parts that scattered from my vanity, mind cages and time.






I literally spent most of my hours with graves, the rabbits and the soft earth and the bullet-ridden tombstones, as I worked the boneyard shift all these months. No matter how much I enjoyed the job and especially the most beautiful office imaginable, working took its heavy toll. Months of sleep-deprivation, barely managing anything but pushing forward, getting through the day and waiting for the merciful nepenthe of weekend. Combined with the other massive life changes I started getting sick with the stress ravaging my body.

Naturally I did as all wounded animals do. I licked my wounds in hiding.

I know many of you have been worried, and for that I am truly sorry. But it was crucial for me to shut down some parts during this time. I've been far too fragile in my metamorphosis to spread everything under your eyes, no matter how benevolent the gaze might have been. Isolating myself from all social networks wasn't a fully conscious choice, updating just went to live in the magical place called Tomorrow. And time has gone at such a maddening pace! Days so furtively turned into weeks, then months, and the distance grew by the change of seasons and the things that keep your soul essence tightly knit into your life. There was this constant, painful illusion like there wasn't enough hours in the day to cover everything, and I succumbed to it.

Little by little, the silence grew. Countless times I've been on the verge of writing something to you, but the words wouldn't come out and eventually I had too much anxiety to even open this page. Balancing between what to reveal and what to hide tied me into a knot that was hard to untangle, making me feel like a little pale snake coiling around itself in a dark cave. But I'm growing new, stronger scales each day.



Strangely enough, in all this change I've felt the kind of happiness I never knew existed. The kind of pure joy that tingles your nerves and mind, leaving you somehow transformed. I've rejoiced beyond limits without the need to document everything, wrapping my camera away and exposing the memories to my mind only. And what have I felt? Moments of deepest tranquility, blazing feelings of exuberant freedom, kisses that can stop time itself. Words in the darkness that are worth everything. Focusing on that isn't something I could ever apologize for. I've felt what it means to be soul-wrenchingly happy to be alive, and for someone as deeply prone to melancholy as I am that's the greatest gift imaginable.

The fate of this blog remains unclear. I want to keep on blogging in some form but only when I want to, not because it is somehow expected of me. This old path feels too narrow somehow, I've changed too much to let it remain the same. I'm not sure yet whether to change this place inside out or create a virginal page or just an Instagram account, but I will let you know when the time comes.

I hope to connect with you soon, you have been a big part of my life for all these years and I will forever treasure your kindness in the nooks of my heart. My kindest, deepest thanks to each and every reader.

82 comments:

  1. Darling Мoth
    After reading your post it seems I almost feel the pain you have lived through. I'm so sorry that all this happened to you, beautiful soul. You are a unique person and, I'm sure, will overcome it. I just want to wish you courage and light. We all really missed your wisdom words, your stunning pictures and your presence. Your blog was also a part of my soul. Good luck in the world, girl. Blessed be.

    with great love,
    Grace

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    1. Lovely Grace (and every other commentor), so sorry it took so long to answer! Months just fly by these days and I've been cocooned in my daily life.

      I'm deeply touched by your words yet again, thank you so very much. Pain is unavoidable in life, but luckily it is what makes us learn the most, so I'm grateful for the things I've struggled through. I am very happy with my current situation in life, never have I felt such deep freedom! And I'm also petting a cat as I write this, so that helps too. Cats have that effect.

      I wish you all the best Grace, and thank you for commenting in my posts so often, I really appreciate it. Hope you will follow my stories again someday. <3

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  2. Oh, how familiar all of this sounds! I have similar reasons for not blogging regularly, and it always feels hard to come back... Because I would like to blog, but I guess nobody wants to wait forever to read one blog post, and then wait a couple of months for the next one. :D Although I myself don't mind if someone does that.

    I wish you well!!!

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    1. Me neither! I don't mind if bloggers keep long pauses, perhaps just because I understand how it feels. It truly is harder to come back after so much has happened, as if you ever know where to start.

      Ja kiitos! I wish you well too, always enjoyed visiting your blog. :)

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  3. The pictures are really beautiful and your outfit and your interior so nice!
    Great post!

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  4. Oh, it's so good to hear from you but I'm sorry you've had such troubles. I know those all too well.. I cincerely hope you won't stop blogging, or writing because you are an AMAZINGLY good writer. You are <3 So start writing a book woman! :D On another note, loooove that fireplace!

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    1. Aww, ihana Ravenwaves! <3

      And I don't know why I'm switching to English, but anyway: Thank you so much! I think you gave me one of the nicest compliments I've ever received, I'm honoured. I think I will continue blogging when the feeling overpowers me again, but it might be something a little different. :)

      And the fireplace, I love it to bits! One of my favourite things in my new apartment, sadly I'm in exile at the moment for three months so I can't enjoy it for a while.

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  5. I am sorry you had a rough couple of months. Sometimes it is positive to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. You are looking fantastic though

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    1. Thank you Sylvie! I've been taking huge steps back and re-evaluated my whole life, really. Everything had to change. I am happier than ever at the moment, although a little adrift, without any clear sense of where to go and what to do. But it's all good, and necessary. :)

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  6. Do what you have to do, Lady Moth! I love seeing your updates, but if the shape of your life doesn't allow for that, cast it off like a cocoon and don't look back.

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    1. Thank you deeply for your heartening words, Elena.

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  7. Kiljaisin melkein riemusta huomatessani että sinulta on tullut uusi päivitys pitkästä aikaa. <3
    Mutta voi miten synkkiä sävyjä elämääsi on maalautunut, olen pahoillani siitä. Niitä samoja sävyjä on ollut omassakin elämässäni paljon viime vuosina, joten sympatiahalit täältä.
    Sääli jos lopetat bloggaamisen, tämä on ollut suosikkiblogini jo vuosia. Mutta virta vie ja elämä kuljettaa, välillä suuntiin joihin ei olisi arvannut.

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    1. Kiitos sanoistasi Varjosudenhetki, ja kaikista vuosien ajan tulleista kommenteista, arvostan. <3

      Synkät sävyt on olleet tarpeellisiakin, ne vain korostaa kaikkea niitä kirkkaan vaaleita sävyjä jotka ovat osittain kuullottuneet päälle. Melkein kaikki asetelmat mun elämässä on muuttuneet mutta juuri niin pitikin tapahtua, ajan kuluessa vasta huomaa miten tärkeää se kaikki olikaan. Koen olevani aika onnellinen olento mutta sen verran muuttunut ettei blogi voi ainakaan samanlaisena jatkua, mutta uskon että jatkuu vielä jossain muodossa. Liikaa kuvia ja ajatuksia pidettävänä vain itselläni. :)

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  8. I was so happy to read your text again and see your pictures. It has been quite a while and at times I come to visit here if there's anything you have posted. After watching a few Penny Dreadful episodes I somehow thought of you and came to see your blog again. You described some sort of rebirth you have been experiencing after darker times. I wish you happiness to the path you are taken and hope to hear from you again.

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    1. Thank you for a lovely comment, Anon. My paths are all a maze now, but most of them are paved with different tiles of love and freedom so I can't really complain.

      An acquaintance told me once that I remind her a little of Vanessa Ives (in spirit mostly, I guess), I took it as a deep compliment. The show is entertaining and one of the very few decent supernatural series. I do like the ambiance in it, and the performances are sublime.

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  9. I wish from the bottom of my heart that everything in your life becomes good, and that only gets happy things to you. I hope you come back soon, really love your blog and I want you to be happy! I'm from Brazil, sorry for this terrible english ahaha

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    1. Thank you very much for your kind wishes, Nayara! I believe I will come back, but maybe with a new blog in another place.

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  10. Moth , his words made ​​me sad, but I felt a certain comfort in knowing that you're around .
    It is not easy for me as well , and read what you wrote sounded like a mirror , but you can be born roses among rocks and I believe that the contrast between light and shadow will be balanced for you!
    I hope you find the pleasure to do again what you love, your blog has been the friend I never had.
    See you soon, I hope !!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness, Kaline!

      The light and shadow are in a constant struggle within, and although my shadows are vast I do sometimes feel that the light is winning. Right now it seems to stretch in everything I feel. I wish you good fortune and strength with all your struggles!

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  11. Good to hear you're alive and well, regardless of all. <3

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  12. you are such strong women ,sad about what's happened , happy that you are here now , you are like ideal for me , elegance & lady attitude with stand out , plz keep your self safe & happy , will always pray for you , your friend from Kuwait ( yes you are here to that much you are amazing 💋💋💋)

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    1. Sophia, thank you so much for your kind and heartening words!

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  13. It's nice to come here and see you have written something again! I never left a comment, but I've been following your blog for a few years now, and if you stop bloggin that would be really sad because everything you post here is beautiful and I find it all really inspiring. But I guess you just have to do what you have to do and what feels best for you. I just hope your life gets better and better from now on.
    And of course I'll be there if you decide to open a new blog or an instagram or whatever!

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    1. Hello Andi! I do think that quite soon there will be another form of my blog, but this one can't survive the way it has been going on. I've changed too much and there's too many old things and ghosts weighing me down here. Hope to see you there in the new blog when the time comes! :)

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  14. This process is essential for all the creatures that somehow yearn the grasp of sanity. I thank you for sharing your words and world as they inspire many. Like me, on the other side of the world. ♥

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    1. Naelle, you put it so perfectly in words in the first sentence. Thank you. <3

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  15. Respite–respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore!
    Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!
    Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore".

    All my love to you.

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    1. Thank you, for the love and Poe. <3

      (Nepenthe was my first nickname in the land of internet, a long long time ago.)

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  16. On ihanaa kuulla tästä suosikkiblogista pitkästä aikaa! On hyvä kuulla, että elämässäsi on räjähtävänkirkkaita valopilkkuja niiden synkempien juttujen lisäksi. Seuraan kiinnostuneena, mikä blogin kohtalo on - tämä on ollut jo pari vuotta suuri inspiraation, lohdun ja kauneuden lähde elämässäni. Tsemppiä & valoa pimeään marraskuuhun!

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    1. Voi kiitos ihanista sanoistasi, Helmi! Lämmittää kumman paljon mieltä. <3

      Ja oi kyllä, valopilkut ovat olleet valtavia voimavaroja kaikkien niiden ammottavien varjojen keskellä. Elämä luonnostaan hakeutuu tasapainoon, upeaa huomata se välillä ihan konkreettisesti.

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  17. Kaikki sympatiani sinne, pimeät ajat tulee välillä jokaiselle vastaan (mutta mahtava lukea että elämä alkaa voittamaan). <3 Ja kybermaailmasta liukeamisen ymmärtää kyllä, kun muu maailma myllertää. Toivottavasti tulet jossain vaiheessa, jossain muodossa takaisin!

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    1. Kiitos paljon Veera! Uskon etten pysy poissa enää kovin kauan, tuntuu että tämä järjettömiin mittasuhteisiin paisunut nettitaukoilu alkaa jo vähitellen riittää.

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  18. I'm really sorry to hear that life's been hard on you, and sincerely hope things will be better from now on. I'm glad you're back and I hope you'll continue blogging, I love your blogs, person and posts! <3

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    1. Thank you so much for your gentle words, Nanethiel. <3

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  19. Oh, MM, I'm really sorry to hear about your hardships, I hope you are well and happy. It's good to hear from you.
    Your posts are like letters. I wait for it every day, and when it's finally here I cherish every word, every picture, and read it over and over again.
    I love your blog, it's beautiful, haunting and poetic, like that book you keep returning to when you're at your worst and in your happiest times. And your posts even though are seldom, never disappoint,and it's because you post only when you feel like it.
    Focus on yourself, and be happy and fulfilled. If you chose to continue blogging, great!If not, I will always return to this blog and go through it's endless pages. Thank you for making me a part of your life, I wish you all the best <3.

    ..and.. P.S. if you ever, on your wanders through world, come across crazy inarticulate girl, who hugs you out of nowhere in the middle of the street..That's me, and I apologize in advance (:

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    1. Oh, Visnja. Your words brought tears into my eyes, such love and kindness flowing between them. Thank you, deeply. <3 I will cherish them.

      And there's absolutely no need to apologize! I love hugs, always so glad to get to hug my readers.

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  20. Olipa kiva huomata, että sinulta oli tullut uusi postaus! Valehtelematta tässä juuri yhtenä päivänä tuli mieleen, että mitenköhän siellä menee, vaikken sinua tunnekaan. Tämä vuosi on ollut rankka itsellenikin, joten pystyn hyvin osittain samaistumaan kokemuksiisi. Ja totta, joskus on hyväkin olla dokumentoimatta elämäänsä ja vain elää sitä. Kaikkea hyvää sinulle! Mielenkiinnolla odotan, jatkuuko blogisi vai tuleeko tilalle jotain uutta jännittävää. :)

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    1. Kiitos Anna kauniista sanoistasi! :) Toivon sulle kaikkea parasta, toivottavasti tämä uusi vuosi on helpompi ja kauniimpi kaikin tavoin.

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  21. Voi Maija <3 Älä lopeta kirjoittamista, sinulla on siihen lahja. Mikään instagram kuvineen ei korvaa tätä hienoa
    kokemusta, jonka saa tästä sinun blogista; sen kuvista ja teksteistä ja tunnelmasta. Ainutlaatuinen on tämä. Ainutlaatuinen!

    Kyllä sinä selviät ja elämä kääntyy paremmaksi. Mie tiiän.

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    1. Voi kuka ihana siellä kirjoitteleekaan, kiitos valtavan paljon. <3

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  22. Sorry you had such a hard time :( but it's good to have you back! I wish you all the best!

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    1. Thank you so much! Things are luckily better now.

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  23. Minäkin olin kovin innoissani, nähdessäni että sinulta oli tullut uusi teksti. Huonolla englannin kielen taidoilla luin rivien välistä. Toivon sulle kaikkea hyvää! <3 Toivon että pian uudestaan saamme kuulla taas sinusta! Blogisi on inspiroiva ja ihana! :)

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  24. I am so sorry to hear about your hard times. I hope you are where you need be now.
    You have been tremendously missed.

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  25. I missed reading you often go to see if they knew anything about you but .. Today I am glad to know that you are there but do not know when you will return. I wish you the best :)

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    1. Thank you Sandry! So sorry about keeping you guys waiting for signs of life.

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  26. Dear Moth <3
    if anything, please just continue writing(whatever comes to your mind). It's pretty selfish but I adore reading your utterly beautiful sense of words and I think that you are one really gifted writer. It is amazing how the north and melancholy and this strange feeling of comfort and of loneliness all come so out through your words. So let me thank you for sharing your “Looking Glass”. I am following this blog for years and it has been one of my favourites (aesthetically and in content). It is great to hear that you are better now and I sincerely wish you best of luck with everything in your life.
    You are really beautiful person inside and out. <3

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  27. You keep doing you. There is no need to feel guilt. Best wishes from across the globe.

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  28. Your hard times touched my heart... You are an amazing and beautiful person, you don't deserve bad experiences. I missed you so much :c I wish you all the best, hope you are fine now and of course, be happy ♥

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  29. This post affected me in a surprising way. You know that sometimes, something you see or hear makes you suddenly alert and awake, both sad and free of mind, and there happens a kind of shift in consciousness. I can't really account for it. Maybe I just related to what you've been experiencing + your poetic language.

    I think I saw you today, but didn't say anything, you didn't look like it, and I've not been so well to want to face people.

    I do hope you keep blogging in some form.

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  30. So good to hear from you! I've been reading your words and admiring your photos since few years ago and I've always felt kindness and peace in everything. I can't say how shocking it was for me to read this last post. I couldn't imagine what's the reason behind the lack of posts here, but I'm happy to know that these unfortunate last months ended up with you growing strong, turning into somebody even more illuminated and focused than you ever was. I hope we could keep on touch with you through any kind of social networks soon. We support you!

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  31. Dear Moth! It's so sad for me to read these words and at the same moment I'm happy that you came back, even not for a long time... I was missing you so much! You're so far away and I know that you even don't imagine who I am, but through all these years of reading your blog [by the way, the one and only blog that i read] you've become in some way such an important part of my life. You inspire me a lot!
    Checking your account almost every week, I've begun to worry that something has gone wrong with you... But! As we all know, the end is at the same time the beginning of everything... I'm sure you are strong enough to conquer the trouble and sadness. I know how it feels... But the light will come, it's just can't be in another way. You deserve to be happy.
    Wish you all the best in your life. <3

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  32. Kiva kuulla kuulumisia pitkästä aikaa, vaikkei ne olekkaan nyt niitä kaikkein positiivisimpia. Hyviä viboja sinne♥

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  33. Oot ihastuttava - samoin sinun blogisi! Toivottavasti jatkossakin lahjakkuuttasi pääsisi näkemään kuvina tai lukemaan jostain. Kaikkea hyvää sinulle!

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  34. Cheers for the new you!, you already seems so different to me, but remaining the same lovely lady. I am so proud of every human being who dares to evolve from their deepest space of their wounded hearts, because that is honest. I am now even more eager to know you more, your points of view, your new aesthetic visions of life, and more :)

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  35. Täytyy sanoa, että oli ihana huomata uusi postauksesi, vaikka melankolia on ilmeisesti sielläkin löyhytellyt raskaita siipiään. Kaikkea hyvää, jollain tavalla uskoisin kuitenkin asioiden kääntyvän nousuun :)

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  36. Hope everything is following it's right course.
    Wish you all the best in your future endeavours and may you find ease in troubled days and nights.

    Come back to us, you are definatly most missed!

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  37. Hello Moth, I have been following your blog couple of years now, I suppose im not in the "main group" of your followers, as being a 30-something housewife and a mother:) But I just love your blog and your strong identity and free lifestyle. You inspire me to live more free. I share your love to dark estetics and books. Im visual artist and I know how hard sometimes you have to fihgt for your dreams- i know sorrow and how it feels when identity falls apart- have experienced it wery badly couple of times. I wish u all the best of luck and courage and strenght and i hope to see u soon..Follow the moon and you will find the rigt path..

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  38. The changes also have the capacity to make us more strong, because we have shown that we can overcome them. We know that through this blog that I love, and despite not knowing you, you look like a wonderful person. I wish to have the new year everything you need and overcome difficult moments. a hug and a new blog, or the continuation of this or a istagram I will continue to follow you Alyx

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  39. I am so glad to see you back on your feet and looking out-of-this-world pretty as always! No pressure, but I would love to see you on Instagram and share your beautiful pictures and some thoughts. Nonetheless, whatever you decide I hope you have a happy life...

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  40. I just can't believe my idol is back.. Moth, I missed your blog entries day by day and I'm so glad to hear/read from you!! <3

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  41. Tsemppiä nainen! Minne tahansa polkusi viekään :)

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  42. Blogisi on visuaalisesti nautinnollinen, sitä on ollut kiva lukea :)oma isäni kuoli tänä keväänä ja kissa syksyllä, vaikea vuosi on ollut kaikin puolin. Voimia myös sinulle <3

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  43. I really feel instagram would be the perfect platform for you. I'd love to see more of your photography <3

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  44. Please start blogging again !!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  45. On se jännä miten täysin tuntemattoman ihmisen elämä voi mietityttää - olen lukenut blogiasi nelisen vuotta ja tässä syksyn aikana kahviloissa istuskellessani olen välillä pohtinut, että toivottavasti sinulla on kaikki kunnossa. Itsellänikin on ollut melko rankka syksy joka on vaatinut paljon itsetutkiskelua ja nahan kuorimista, joten tämä teksti puhutteli. Sinulla on todella taito pukea sanat mitä kauniimpiin muotoihin, joten toivon että blogitulevaisuutesi jatkuu jollain muotoa kirjallisena, mutta luonnollisesti teet itse päätöksesi jatkon suhteen ja lukijat ovat varmasti ymmärtäväisiä (tosin vanhoihin kirjoituksiisi on välillä mukava palata, olisi ihanaa jos ne säilyisivät täällä tallessa!). Kaikkea hyvää sinulle tulevaan, ja suurkiitos :)

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  46. Your words are so beautiful and we've all missed you but I am glad you are healing and finding happiness. Looking forward to whatever's next! Please do keep us updated!! You are a fashion, photography and lifestyle inspiration to many!!

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