ARS MORIENDI

Now that I'm able to catch my breath, it's time for a closure that is long overdue.

Shortly after my last entry here my life started to fall apart. At different levels, in a quick, purging imaginary fire that had smouldered for a long time. And like all moths, I was drawn too close to the flame. I spent most of my summer and fall tending the burns and digging graves; one for my old relationship, another for my home, a third for my sense of self. Smaller graves for the parts that scattered from my vanity, mind cages and time.

I literally spent most of my hours with graves, the rabbits and the soft earth and the bullet-ridden tombstones, as I worked the boneyard shift all these months. No matter how much I enjoyed the job and especially the most beautiful office imaginable, working took its heavy toll. Months of sleep-deprivation, barely managing anything but pushing forward, getting through the day and waiting for the merciful nepenthe of weekend. Combined with the other massive life changes I started getting sick with the stress ravaging my body.

Naturally I did as all wounded animals do. I licked my wounds in hiding.

I know many of you have been worried, and for that I am truly sorry. But it was crucial for me to shut down some parts during this time. I've been far too fragile in my metamorphosis to spread everything under your eyes, no matter how benevolent the gaze might have been. Isolating myself from all social networks wasn't a fully conscious choice, updating just went to live in the magical place called Tomorrow. And time has gone at such a maddening pace! Days so furtively turned into weeks, then months, and the distance grew by the change of seasons and the things that keep your soul essence tightly knit into your life. There was this constant, painful illusion like there wasn't enough hours in the day to cover everything, and I succumbed to it.

Little by little, the silence grew. Countless times I've been on the verge of writing something to you, but the words wouldn't come out and eventually I had too much anxiety to even open this page. Balancing between what to reveal and what to hide tied me into a knot that was hard to untangle, making me feel like a little pale snake coiling around itself in a dark cave. But I'm growing new, stronger scales each day.

Strangely enough, in all this change I've felt the kind of happiness I never knew existed. The kind of pure joy that tingles your nerves and mind, leaving you somehow transformed. I've rejoiced beyond limits without the need to document everything, wrapping my camera away and exposing the memories to my mind only. And what have I felt? Moments of deepest tranquility, blazing feelings of exuberant freedom, kisses that can stop time itself. Words in the darkness that are worth everything. Focusing on that isn't something I could ever apologize for. I've felt what it means to be soul-wrenchingly happy to be alive, and for someone as deeply prone to melancholy as I am that's the greatest gift imaginable.

The fate of this blog remains unclear. I want to keep on blogging in some form but only when I want to, not because it is somehow expected of me. This old path feels too narrow somehow, I've changed too much to let it remain the same. I'm not sure yet whether to change this place inside out or create a virginal page or just an Instagram account, but I will let you know when the time comes.

I hope to connect with you soon, you have been a big part of my life for all these years and I will forever treasure your kindness in the nooks of my heart. My kindest, deepest thanks to each and every reader.

♥