ARS MORIENDI

Now that I'm able to catch my breath, it's time for a closure that is long overdue.

Shortly after my last entry here my life started to fall apart. At different levels, in a quick, purging imaginary fire that had smouldered for a long time. And like all moths, I was drawn too close to the flame. I spent most of my summer and fall tending the burns and digging graves; one for my old relationship, another for my home, a third for my sense of self. Smaller graves for the parts that scattered from my vanity, mind cages and time.

I literally spent most of my hours with graves, the rabbits and the soft earth and the bullet-ridden tombstones, as I worked the boneyard shift all these months. No matter how much I enjoyed the job and especially the most beautiful office imaginable, working took its heavy toll. Months of sleep-deprivation, barely managing anything but pushing forward, getting through the day and waiting for the merciful nepenthe of weekend. Combined with the other massive life changes I started getting sick with the stress ravaging my body.

Naturally I did as all wounded animals do. I licked my wounds in hiding.

I know many of you have been worried, and for that I am truly sorry. But it was crucial for me to shut down some parts during this time. I've been far too fragile in my metamorphosis to spread everything under your eyes, no matter how benevolent the gaze might have been. Isolating myself from all social networks wasn't a fully conscious choice, updating just went to live in the magical place called Tomorrow. And time has gone at such a maddening pace! Days so furtively turned into weeks, then months, and the distance grew by the change of seasons and the things that keep your soul essence tightly knit into your life. There was this constant, painful illusion like there wasn't enough hours in the day to cover everything, and I succumbed to it.

Little by little, the silence grew. Countless times I've been on the verge of writing something to you, but the words wouldn't come out and eventually I had too much anxiety to even open this page. Balancing between what to reveal and what to hide tied me into a knot that was hard to untangle, making me feel like a little pale snake coiling around itself in a dark cave. But I'm growing new, stronger scales each day.

Strangely enough, in all this change I've felt the kind of happiness I never knew existed. The kind of pure joy that tingles your nerves and mind, leaving you somehow transformed. I've rejoiced beyond limits without the need to document everything, wrapping my camera away and exposing the memories to my mind only. And what have I felt? Moments of deepest tranquility, blazing feelings of exuberant freedom, kisses that can stop time itself. Words in the darkness that are worth everything. Focusing on that isn't something I could ever apologize for. I've felt what it means to be soul-wrenchingly happy to be alive, and for someone as deeply prone to melancholy as I am that's the greatest gift imaginable.

The fate of this blog remains unclear. I want to keep on blogging in some form but only when I want to, not because it is somehow expected of me. This old path feels too narrow somehow, I've changed too much to let it remain the same. I'm not sure yet whether to change this place inside out or create a virginal page or just an Instagram account, but I will let you know when the time comes.

I hope to connect with you soon, you have been a big part of my life for all these years and I will forever treasure your kindness in the nooks of my heart. My kindest, deepest thanks to each and every reader.

♥

Vanishing tricks

So many photos I've taken these past two months, left to gather virtual dust in the files.

So many words that I deleted and never posted here, but felt like I had.

As the cloud fortresses inside my head started to clear up I finally logged in today. Was pretty shocked to see that again the sands of the hourglass have shifted into desert dunes. I could have been hiding for just a couple of weeks from where I'm standing! So many things I wanted to share with you but always lost track of time. But I guess the time off was needed, I've managed to settle in this city better and I'm starting to feel the urge to connect again. Loss of time is a plague among the unemployed and the freelancer folk, so good tips for effective time management are warmly welcomed.

At the moment I'm dwelling in near isolation, tip-toeing around the place in old home robes and messy hair like some tormented Victorian heroine, ink pens stucked inside the pockets and sketch papers lying everywhere. I have a new lover, his name is Wacom (ed.the drawing tablet) and for the time being we are tightly in a symbiosis, trying to figure each other out. Our love nest is in the corner of my couch, and that's where I'll be hatching the custom prints I direly need to finish in the days to come, so it's busy times ahead again. I'll talk to you doves as soon as I can. ♥

Hibernation

Wanted to share these photos from the heart of winter before the season drips slowly away.

I can't believe winter is withering away so soon, there weren't even remotely enough freezing days for my taste. This winter was far from easy and I was mentally hibernating for the greater part, but in the spring I get ridiculously nostalgic about winter. Clinging to the memory of glittering fields, silent woods and all the dear dead flowers. The animal prints in the virgin snow and the distant winter sun, and even the cold that sucks all warmth from your bones.

dress / vintage from Budapest  rings / Blood Milk

   Looking at these photos I'm reminded of one thing: you know your sister must love you when there's almost -20 degrees outside and she still agrees to follow you on a snowy field to capture a few frames.

Valentine's

Happy belated Valentine's Day! 

I spent the Valentine's evening travelling to watch my dear friend and other dazzling ladies perform on burlesque stage. Drinks, glitter clouds and a freezing night walk in fishnet stockings, the usual pattern. Melting at my brother's place, watching movies while waiting for the Sunday bus home.

dress / DAY Birger Et Mikkelsen (second hand) shoes / Minna Parikka (from a friend)  

ring / Blood Milk  heart pendant / Moon Raven Designs

This outfit is from Friday, when we celebrated Valentine's at home. I went over the top romantigoth with black lace, heart pumps and pink hued eyeshadows, the occasion must have made me soft as pink is usually something that triggers my gag reflex. Dressing up to a theme is always fun, but I still felt slightly alienated in this look, as I nowadays tend to incline more and more to minimalistic forms.

The vintage sofa is all but minimalistic though, and I love it! It's one of the best second hand finds in ages, I can't even recall how long I've wanted a couch like this to modify as I please! I plan to rip it open at some point, repair the springs, change the fabric and paint the woodwork, but only after I've finished some more pressing projects.

"If absence makes the heart grow fonder, what does presence make?"

The cry "I'm not dead!" brings a certain Monty Python plague scene in mind, but I'm going with that line anyway.

December was tough, like a miniature purgatory. An endless maze of appointments, decisions, countless hours of apartment hunting (with great success), job hunting (with zero success), saying goodbyes to dear friends and old ghosts, and packing and packing for days while trying to get through all this with an infection in my lungs that still hasn't fully mended. 

Winter solstice and the holidays passed somewhere in between but I don't remember much, except that I felt like I was wrapped in cotton and surrounded by loved ones. Just what I needed when the waves of stress were washing over.

blouse + skirt / second hand    jewelry / Blood Milk

In the first steps of this new year we moved away from the wolf border, and I hope there'll be good adventures ahead. New year, new city, new possibilities! Most things are still unpacked and the apartment is a total mess, but I'm too happy to let the chaos get to me. I can already feel last year's sadness peeling off and the creativity flowing back, like oxygen or life blood. There's still a lot to do before I'm all settled in, so my hibernation might continue. I hope you are all well. ♥

Movie Screen

Before fellow AR-people ask, no animals died in the process of making that fluffy piece! Maybe a Care Bear or two but surely that's acceptable enough, compared to the real thing. The boots are surprise freebies I once received from Pennangalan, and the song is an earworm I picked from Metalhead movie.


For a film enthusiast, times have been good in this town in November! First the horror night of Cinemare offered some wonderful trash, gore and horror through the whole night, and then came Rokumentti Rock Film Festival. So I have spent most days rewinding movies in my head and watching them, both in cinema and at home.

I strongly recommend seeing What We Do In the Shadows if you even slightly enjoy twisted humour and vampires. I have seriously NEVER seen a film that funny, and I've seen many! Wiping away tears of laughter after ten minutes usually is a pretty good sign, and it's hard to get over how heart-warming the dandy vampire Viago was. I would definitely add this hilarious piece to the top three list of modern vampire films.

The first place in my mind belongs to the mesmerizing Only Lovers Left Alive, which, given the chance, I had to see again on the screen. It was perfection packed in an hour and a half; a night presentation where I secretly sipped red wine while melting on the red velvet chair, silently giggling at the thought how it doesn't get much gothier than that. Another intense experience was seeing La Chute de la Maison Usher, the live music show went beautifully with the silent Poe classic. I've seen Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari in the same way, and find the concept of live music and silent cinema altogether beautiful.

And some other small mentions; 20,000 Days on Earth was a must-see piece for any Nick Cave fan, and Metalhead was entertaining, with little sprinkles of Icelandic humour over the quality drama. I'm always eager to hear new film suggestions, so if you have something in mind, let me know!

Hairesis maxima est opera maleficarum non credere

Post Halloween Greetings from Salem! Or any other place where the sickly puritanian hysteria took root, cutting away the lives of innocents.

First I was going with a more complex costume, but then I found this vintage piece hanging in my closet and went with it. (The noose however wasn't hanging in my closet, I'm not that desperate.) It's not historically accurate nor does it deviate much from my usual look, but I liked it anyway. I'm itching to try the same costume idea again, but as a "burned at the stake" edition. Anyway, I had a great night and my guests were sublime as ever! I forgot to take any pictures with all the fun I was having, but we had a visit for example from the Queen of Hearts, Wicked Witch of the West and even a Soul. 

I wish the Halloween season could have gone on for longer, but I'm sure the horror dose will fuel me for some time. Did you have a nice Samhain? Any parties or costumes you'd like to share? :)

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Happy Halloween night to all ghouls and witches who roam the night tonight!

I know I've been absent, but let's just say that some wicked things have been eager to come my way and life always comes first. I've had inspiration but not the time, and would rather not feel guilty about it now. It is, after all, the best time of the year! 

Here's an outfit from a warmer, early October day when I thought it would be a foolish idea to wear those heels for a daywalk, and did it anyway. (Looking back, it seems that I also might have watched too many AHS Coven episodes in a row.) In case someone is curious; the hat is vintage from Budapest, bag is also vintage, shoes are a gift from a friend, dress is H&M+DIY, and the cardigan is an ancient piece from my teen years.

 
I'm holding a small Halloween party tomorrow, and there's still so much to do! Midnight is closing in and I had to make coffee to stay awake, I'll likely be burning the midnight oil for many hours to come. My costume isn't nearly finished and neither is the tidiness of our nest, but dust and cobwebs go beautifully with Halloween, right? Now I really must continue with the chores, maybe later tonight I'll watch Hocus Pocus while sewing, to get in the right mood. I hope the result will be even remotely what I planned, we'll see!

Twenty-five Candles

My birthday blew over the weekend days, adding another number to my age. No age crisis alert here, but I already found a single ghostly white hair from my locks! Now I'm just waiting for the wrinkles and dementia to set it, but I think I already might have an ounce of the latter.


I have a little bit strange relationship with my birthdays, often spending them in isolation, but this time I had a couple of friends over and had the greatest time. Watching one of my favourite movies and having drinks and laughs and 2.am. tarot readings, couldn't have asked for more. My beau also spoiled me with roses, tattoo gift and music, it's been too long from the last ink appointment so I'm anxiously craving for more.

Virgin Snow

Yesterday there was a plan of going for a walk and taking some outfit pics in the early autumn glow, but this happened instead. 
Oh, Finland. I was preparing myself for some Jack-O-Lantern season goodness, not Jack Frost!

Afterwards my boots were soaked with freezing slush and then the city's electrical grid crashed, typical Tuesday madness. It's amazing (and a little funny, I must admit) how lost people look when the modern commodities crash for even an hour or so. We're so surrounded by gadgets, as if the world around us didn't exist without the deities of smart phones and TV and the rest of their addictive pantheon. The joke is equally on me too, my daily film fix is close to being what insulin is to a diabetic and that's pretty alarming.

Otherwise the week has been extra busy, I've been happily working on a few clothing print designs. Which has sneakily led me to sketching just for myself too, drawing feels so good again after a pause. The last time I painted was for a group show in June, so my nerves are itching for a new project! Maybe I'll get something started this week, I can almost hear those empty canvases rustling in the attic, waiting to be tainted like virgin snow.

The Black Pearl of Danube

As you know, I spent a couple of weeks at my friend's flat in the summertime, and although last November's familiar gloom had changed into scorching heat, Budapest felt the same to me. The same air of dripping decay and sense of sleepwalking was still there (I think I mentioned it earlier), and it caught me after a few days. Not sure if I've still fully managed to shake it off.

My impression of Budapest can be seen in a few details. Black cats lurking in the streets, the bygone glory and slow ruin, red wine and velvet pillows, white lace curtains, chipping paint and Bela's piercing glare. Rows of beautiful houses stretching as far as the eye can see, and all those bulletholes in their faces, reminding how history is always near. And you can never know what the streets bring into your sight. Whether it's those unnaturally large spiders dangling in the bridges between Buda and Pest, or even a coffin on the sidewalk!

But I don't think most people perceive the city so grimly, I just seem to look at everything through very dark glasses. Heart-shaped, but dark.

I ran on the street in heavy rain with my nightgown on and listened to a live jam session at a former Soviet slaughterhouse. Had a lovely picnic at the Buda Castle courtyard at 1.am., when there's no other soul to be found, except for the bats circling in the air above. I showered in candle light when the light-switch stopped working and climbed the infinite stairs of St.Istvan's church to get that spiraling photograph. I looted the various second hand shops and markets, filling the suitcase up with old medical bottles, frames and vintage robes. We even went on this incredibly cool caving expedition under Budapest (would have scared any claustrophobe to death!), and I kind of earned the title of tempestarii, because each day I mentioned thunder it seemed to suddenly form and flash the sky blind.

And most of all, I hanged around the city with Laura. Roasting pine seeds in the kitchen in the morning, and having weird conversations with complete strangers in the ruin bars. Indulging in so many glorious veggie dishes that my hedonism chart must have increased by a few numbers! I still didn't visit any thermal spas that the city is famous for, but maybe the city will lure me in again someday.