ARS MORIENDI

Now that I'm able to catch my breath, it's time for a closure that is long overdue.

Shortly after my last entry here my life started to fall apart. At different levels, in a quick, purging imaginary fire that had smouldered for a long time. And like all moths, I was drawn too close to the flame. I spent most of my summer and fall tending the burns and digging graves; one for my old relationship, another for my home, a third for my sense of self. Smaller graves for the parts that scattered from my vanity, mind cages and time.

I literally spent most of my hours with graves, the rabbits and the soft earth and the bullet-ridden tombstones, as I worked the boneyard shift all these months. No matter how much I enjoyed the job and especially the most beautiful office imaginable, working took its heavy toll. Months of sleep-deprivation, barely managing anything but pushing forward, getting through the day and waiting for the merciful nepenthe of weekend. Combined with the other massive life changes I started getting sick with the stress ravaging my body.

Naturally I did as all wounded animals do. I licked my wounds in hiding.

I know many of you have been worried, and for that I am truly sorry. But it was crucial for me to shut down some parts during this time. I've been far too fragile in my metamorphosis to spread everything under your eyes, no matter how benevolent the gaze might have been. Isolating myself from all social networks wasn't a fully conscious choice, updating just went to live in the magical place called Tomorrow. And time has gone at such a maddening pace! Days so furtively turned into weeks, then months, and the distance grew by the change of seasons and the things that keep your soul essence tightly knit into your life. There was this constant, painful illusion like there wasn't enough hours in the day to cover everything, and I succumbed to it.

Little by little, the silence grew. Countless times I've been on the verge of writing something to you, but the words wouldn't come out and eventually I had too much anxiety to even open this page. Balancing between what to reveal and what to hide tied me into a knot that was hard to untangle, making me feel like a little pale snake coiling around itself in a dark cave. But I'm growing new, stronger scales each day.

Strangely enough, in all this change I've felt the kind of happiness I never knew existed. The kind of pure joy that tingles your nerves and mind, leaving you somehow transformed. I've rejoiced beyond limits without the need to document everything, wrapping my camera away and exposing the memories to my mind only. And what have I felt? Moments of deepest tranquility, blazing feelings of exuberant freedom, kisses that can stop time itself. Words in the darkness that are worth everything. Focusing on that isn't something I could ever apologize for. I've felt what it means to be soul-wrenchingly happy to be alive, and for someone as deeply prone to melancholy as I am that's the greatest gift imaginable.

The fate of this blog remains unclear. I want to keep on blogging in some form but only when I want to, not because it is somehow expected of me. This old path feels too narrow somehow, I've changed too much to let it remain the same. I'm not sure yet whether to change this place inside out or create a virginal page or just an Instagram account, but I will let you know when the time comes.

I hope to connect with you soon, you have been a big part of my life for all these years and I will forever treasure your kindness in the nooks of my heart. My kindest, deepest thanks to each and every reader.

♥

Vanishing tricks

So many photos I've taken these past two months, left to gather virtual dust in the files.

So many words that I deleted and never posted here, but felt like I had.

As the cloud fortresses inside my head started to clear up I finally logged in today. Was pretty shocked to see that again the sands of the hourglass have shifted into desert dunes. I could have been hiding for just a couple of weeks from where I'm standing! So many things I wanted to share with you but always lost track of time. But I guess the time off was needed, I've managed to settle in this city better and I'm starting to feel the urge to connect again. Loss of time is a plague among the unemployed and the freelancer folk, so good tips for effective time management are warmly welcomed.

At the moment I'm dwelling in near isolation, tip-toeing around the place in old home robes and messy hair like some tormented Victorian heroine, ink pens stucked inside the pockets and sketch papers lying everywhere. I have a new lover, his name is Wacom (ed.the drawing tablet) and for the time being we are tightly in a symbiosis, trying to figure each other out. Our love nest is in the corner of my couch, and that's where I'll be hatching the custom prints I direly need to finish in the days to come, so it's busy times ahead again. I'll talk to you doves as soon as I can. ♥

Hibernation

Wanted to share these photos from the heart of winter before the season drips slowly away.

I can't believe winter is withering away so soon, there weren't even remotely enough freezing days for my taste. This winter was far from easy and I was mentally hibernating for the greater part, but in the spring I get ridiculously nostalgic about winter. Clinging to the memory of glittering fields, silent woods and all the dear dead flowers. The animal prints in the virgin snow and the distant winter sun, and even the cold that sucks all warmth from your bones.

dress / vintage from Budapest  rings / Blood Milk

   Looking at these photos I'm reminded of one thing: you know your sister must love you when there's almost -20 degrees outside and she still agrees to follow you on a snowy field to capture a few frames.

Valentine's

Happy belated Valentine's Day! 

I spent the Valentine's evening travelling to watch my dear friend and other dazzling ladies perform on burlesque stage. Drinks, glitter clouds and a freezing night walk in fishnet stockings, the usual pattern. Melting at my brother's place, watching movies while waiting for the Sunday bus home.

dress / DAY Birger Et Mikkelsen (second hand) shoes / Minna Parikka (from a friend)  

ring / Blood Milk  heart pendant / Moon Raven Designs

This outfit is from Friday, when we celebrated Valentine's at home. I went over the top romantigoth with black lace, heart pumps and pink hued eyeshadows, the occasion must have made me soft as pink is usually something that triggers my gag reflex. Dressing up to a theme is always fun, but I still felt slightly alienated in this look, as I nowadays tend to incline more and more to minimalistic forms.

The vintage sofa is all but minimalistic though, and I love it! It's one of the best second hand finds in ages, I can't even recall how long I've wanted a couch like this to modify as I please! I plan to rip it open at some point, repair the springs, change the fabric and paint the woodwork, but only after I've finished some more pressing projects.

"If absence makes the heart grow fonder, what does presence make?"

The cry "I'm not dead!" brings a certain Monty Python plague scene in mind, but I'm going with that line anyway.

December was tough, like a miniature purgatory. An endless maze of appointments, decisions, countless hours of apartment hunting (with great success), job hunting (with zero success), saying goodbyes to dear friends and old ghosts, and packing and packing for days while trying to get through all this with an infection in my lungs that still hasn't fully mended. 

Winter solstice and the holidays passed somewhere in between but I don't remember much, except that I felt like I was wrapped in cotton and surrounded by loved ones. Just what I needed when the waves of stress were washing over.

blouse + skirt / second hand    jewelry / Blood Milk

In the first steps of this new year we moved away from the wolf border, and I hope there'll be good adventures ahead. New year, new city, new possibilities! Most things are still unpacked and the apartment is a total mess, but I'm too happy to let the chaos get to me. I can already feel last year's sadness peeling off and the creativity flowing back, like oxygen or life blood. There's still a lot to do before I'm all settled in, so my hibernation might continue. I hope you are all well. ♥